Monday, October 12, 2009

Stircrazy Teasefickle

**WARNING: VERY DEPRESSING**
Please avoid if you want to keep your spirits up. I'm not exactly in the best of moods when I wrote this so I'd appreciate it if you just scoot and go back to Facebook. Nonetheless, this post has been placed here not just for the purpose of expressing my feelings, but also in dreams that maybe someday when I'm in a better place than I am now, I will look back at this and laugh. If you're not me, reading emo-posts are bad for your health, you have been warned.

I've been meaning to update my blog for some time, but, I guess I have no excuse. Lately, I've had lots of opportunities to suffer the mental illness of Stir Crazy (Where you've been locked up home the whole day) without a chance to pen down any of my ideas.

But now, here I am. And so what has happened? A semester whizzed by me before I could even notice and already I'm at the impending gates of another final exam. There has been a lot of Warhammer talk, where Pul Jin and Hamsa are building their own armies. It is what happens when streamyx start to suck. MMORPG players start going old school. So in a nutshell, the past few months have been spent with a reverse development and back to hobbies. And as the days goes on and on, I still look at all the times I spent writing and drawing and wonder where and what will I ever end up with. Is all this time investment I spent will ever bear fruit or is it just a meaningless passion?

If I were to claim I had the patience of a saint, it would be blasphemy of the highest ordeal.
Sometimes I can claim that I have a patience of a saint. But even now I find that like my declining health, it has been weared out thin. (And even then, I'm not getting any thinner.) My health has been rapidly declining and my mind has been too long without a purpose. I find that every time I pen an idea, I draw a good picture, I create something out of nothing, I lack the audience or appreciation and find myself pathetically hungering for more attention. Alas, despite my desperate cravings for someone to appreciate my works of art, I feel as though I am a vampire denying his true nature for the wicked, yet nothing so awe and glamorous. To be more specific, I feel like a ghoul who feeds rotting carcasses, wishing he was a vampire. Nothing very saintly about it.

A close friend of mine once said, "You know you're not moving on when you're comfortable with where you are." If you're comfortable with the way you are, but you are unable to move from your position, and when you thought that you have come to terms with it, but something at the back of your mind tells you that you have not, the seduction of a scalpel burying itself into your wrist becomes ultimately alluring.

You know that Zil is having a crush on someone he cannot get if he starts being emo on his blog. I wonder what is it with me to develop an overtly obsessive infatuation with a person, any pretty looking person, a girl of course, when I start noticing them in my eyesights. You know what? I'll just admit it. I'm a fool when it comes to love, and it doesn't require much to gain my attention. And despite the poetic description to that last sentences, other people can interpret it as being just as horny as the other guy.

Oh and look what I've done. Just another meaningless post for my meaningless self to whom I have no audience to. But it's actually rather painful to feel the need to talk, not having anyone to talk to, so as a desperate last case scenario, I'd list out a little bit of my feelings hoping in vain that tomorrow will become a better day.

In the end of the day, I am confused and I wonder why am I even bothering to write this. It's truly meaningless and serves no purpose, but I feel that I will explode if I don't do anything about it. I appreciate you in taking time to read it up till this far. But the bad news is... If you've read up this far, chances are you could be as lonely as I am. (Or you could be completely dumbfounded and have nothing else to say to see a sudden change in my personality.)

Perhaps tomorrow when you see me, you will see me with a smile on my face, enjoying every moment of life like I should be. Misery loves company after all. And you have read this whole thing, I'm touched and you can count of me to share those tears.

Song of Today:-
Linkin Part - The New Divide (Go Figure Emo kid)
Donna Lewis - I love you always forever

Oh by the way, not too sure if you're interested but if you're reading this diligently then I suppose it wouldn't hurt for you to stop by http://zihilism.deviantart.com
For God's Sake, I wish I had more artsy friends!
And then I ran out of breath....

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