Stircrazy Teasefickle

**WARNING: VERY DEPRESSING**
Please avoid if you want to keep your spirits up. I'm not exactly in the best of moods when I wrote this so I'd appreciate it if you just scoot and go back to Facebook. Nonetheless, this post has been placed here not just for the purpose of expressing my feelings, but also in dreams that maybe someday when I'm in a better place than I am now, I will look back at this and laugh. If you're not me, reading emo-posts are bad for your health, you have been warned.

I've been meaning to update my blog for some time, but, I guess I have no excuse. Lately, I've had lots of opportunities to suffer the mental illness of Stir Crazy (Where you've been locked up home the whole day) without a chance to pen down any of my ideas.

But now, here I am. And so what has happened? A semester whizzed by me before I could even notice and already I'm at the impending gates of another final exam. There has been a lot of Warhammer talk, where Pul Jin and Hamsa are building their own armies. It is what happens when streamyx start to suck. MMORPG players start going old school. So in a nutshell, the past few months have been spent with a reverse development and back to hobbies. And as the days goes on and on, I still look at all the times I spent writing and drawing and wonder where and what will I ever end up with. Is all this time investment I spent will ever bear fruit or is it just a meaningless passion?

If I were to claim I had the patience of a saint, it would be blasphemy of the highest ordeal.
Sometimes I can claim that I have a patience of a saint. But even now I find that like my declining health, it has been weared out thin. (And even then, I'm not getting any thinner.) My health has been rapidly declining and my mind has been too long without a purpose. I find that every time I pen an idea, I draw a good picture, I create something out of nothing, I lack the audience or appreciation and find myself pathetically hungering for more attention. Alas, despite my desperate cravings for someone to appreciate my works of art, I feel as though I am a vampire denying his true nature for the wicked, yet nothing so awe and glamorous. To be more specific, I feel like a ghoul who feeds rotting carcasses, wishing he was a vampire. Nothing very saintly about it.

A close friend of mine once said, "You know you're not moving on when you're comfortable with where you are." If you're comfortable with the way you are, but you are unable to move from your position, and when you thought that you have come to terms with it, but something at the back of your mind tells you that you have not, the seduction of a scalpel burying itself into your wrist becomes ultimately alluring.

You know that Zil is having a crush on someone he cannot get if he starts being emo on his blog. I wonder what is it with me to develop an overtly obsessive infatuation with a person, any pretty looking person, a girl of course, when I start noticing them in my eyesights. You know what? I'll just admit it. I'm a fool when it comes to love, and it doesn't require much to gain my attention. And despite the poetic description to that last sentences, other people can interpret it as being just as horny as the other guy.

Oh and look what I've done. Just another meaningless post for my meaningless self to whom I have no audience to. But it's actually rather painful to feel the need to talk, not having anyone to talk to, so as a desperate last case scenario, I'd list out a little bit of my feelings hoping in vain that tomorrow will become a better day.

In the end of the day, I am confused and I wonder why am I even bothering to write this. It's truly meaningless and serves no purpose, but I feel that I will explode if I don't do anything about it. I appreciate you in taking time to read it up till this far. But the bad news is... If you've read up this far, chances are you could be as lonely as I am. (Or you could be completely dumbfounded and have nothing else to say to see a sudden change in my personality.)

Perhaps tomorrow when you see me, you will see me with a smile on my face, enjoying every moment of life like I should be. Misery loves company after all. And you have read this whole thing, I'm touched and you can count of me to share those tears.

Song of Today:-
Linkin Part - The New Divide (Go Figure Emo kid)
Donna Lewis - I love you always forever

Oh by the way, not too sure if you're interested but if you're reading this diligently then I suppose it wouldn't hurt for you to stop by http://zihilism.deviantart.com
For God's Sake, I wish I had more artsy friends!

So Ends M.O.N.D.A.Y.

Wow. There was about millions of things I wish I could have said at this post from time to time, but when the opportunity arrives for me to actually write, nothing comes to mind. It has always been a challenge for me to describe the things I go through, because what you read here isn't exactly everything in detail, but a short sweet summary of things (or in some cases over-dramaticized.)

Eleven weeks whistled past by this year without a chance to blog (except to inform all you would-be gentlemen and ladies following me on the Perhentian Trip) due to an intense exposure to the working life. In a stroke of mixture between good luck and bad, I ended up in a reputable company PHNEH and learned many things besides just working ethics and politics. Some said I work more like a real worker rather than an intern, which is a good thing for them because I don't ask much too much questions and is a bad thing for me because I don't get much answers. In a sort of devious plan to earn their approval, I ended up learning more than I bargained for and was tossed the responsibilities of a real Engineer, which resulted in my increase of puffing smoke disorder and the ability to make my teeth sweat.

There was a sense of fear. A gripping feeling that puts a leash around your neck and forces you to obey the very first instruction that comes to you. And there was some wicked sense of freedom, being free from the usual everyday problems that plagued me and having other problems to deal with that actually concerns myself. And yet, the sense of fear was twistedly satisfying, not only because there was a sense of completion, but it was a more productive sense of fear rather than anxiety.

And then there was that great feeling of comradeship. The ability to developed a bond when you share a certain pressure or cigarette, and the interesting people you meet on your walk of life. The stories you share, the trust you earn, and the sadness knowing that despite the common interest you have, you were only here temporarily.

"And when the rain goes away, So will I."

And if that sounded really morbid, I'd probably say something like

"Sometimes, the most cheerful people I've met, are the ones with the biggest problems." -- Zil commenting on a cheerful friend of his, who suffers from A.D.D.

So okay, despite a shocking feedback from Lail (who was the greatest roommate I never had) that mentioned my blog is very depressing, I don't have that much larger than life problems. But I do try my best to be a cheerful as possible.

However, I believed that even though there was no real way for me to describe this experience I've been through (although I will cook up something for presentation day), I'd say the most thrilling experience is that there was a will of change, not just internal of me, but my surrounding as well. What hasn't changed is that on this walk of life, I still walk alone. (Which is a good thing because developing an office relationship is a taboo and bad thing because one of the girls here is cute.) And what hasn't change is that no matter how mediocre and normal any procedure can be, I can still come out of it with a story to tell.

"You're not a writer Zil. You're a storyteller."

After being stuck inside a continuous loop for what seemed like ages, it's nice to see what I would describe as the gears of time moving again to allow the change of things. Other would say the silver lining in the cloud, and some would say the bitter taste of hope.

To any other interns who are at the brink of ending their payload; Fight on brothers and sisters, the war is not over yet.
To my working friends; Be nice to your interns. They just might save your HTC phone from being stolen or offer you a cigarette.
To those still keeping in touch with me through my blog; Thanks. :D

As for the Bangsar Boyz, they're pretty much the same. If there was anything regarding WoW, I'd say Jin was right. Turns out, it wasn't really that worth it. But... I suppose I had to pay a debt of gratitude for the one who let me get sucked in in the first place.

Quote of the Day:

"There's only so much work you can do when you're tired.
After 3 of clock, we're tired."

More Bad Jujus

Jin: You're wearing Batik again?
Zil: I like Batik.
Jin: ...Sometimes I wanna say something but, nevermind.
Hamsa: Zil does look good in Batik.
Najiah: WHY ARE YOU WEARING BATIK TODAY?! I wanna get to the bottom of this.

Gabey: The first time I met Zil, he was wearing batik. I remember that particular day cause I remembered it was a very sad day. He got stood up on a date or something.

Yeah, come to think of it, there had been many sad moments in my life left unrecorded here for the purpose of me not wanting to remember them. But as time goes by, I start to realize that somethings you just have to remember, whether good or bad, because by the end of the day, it'll be what makes you you. And no, this post is not about Batik.

Yap: Oh yeah, I still owe Gabey dinner.
Gabey: Yeah and I still owe Zil dinner.
Zil: Don't worry, I'm not fussy about having the dinner anytime soon. But when the time comes, I will call for it.
Yap & Gabey: Such as?
Zil: Like for example, my parents are out of town, I have no food at home, my brothers are away, and I have no money and no fuel and no credit, then I'll most likely invoke this deal.
Yap: What the hell? I don't think you can ever reach such a sad sate.
Gabey: ...then again, knowing you, you might actually fall into that state and it would be wise to keep a backup such as this one.

No, I haven't invoke the deal yet, thank God. But if things goes well with Zain, then I might be likely to have 2 backups for a starvation day.

Anyway, besides than always feeding less on a regular basis, I believe the word of the day is the simple 'bad luck', if any of you believe in it. Given the choice, what would you choose? Fate Or Luck? Certainty or Risks? Though my religion believes that not in Predestination (a lighter and more justifiable version of Fate, and I don't want to go into Religious or philosophical debates about it.) I do have to a certain extent believe in karma and a bit of luck.

As a bit of example, I'd like to say that luck is definitely like a lady. She's like a girlfriend who goes into a bitch fit whenever you decide to immense yourself by playing World of Warcraft™ and spend less times on dates with life. Recently, when I finally got my gnome claws on WoW:Woltk, my computer was struck by lightning, damaging my modem, my power supply as well as my lan card. And mind you, this was the second time the very same incident happen. It also got my brother's PC. And Hamsa's too for some reason. And as usual, struggling with the withdrawal symptoms when you have wow paid for and not being able to play it hurts like a bitch.

Hamsa: Relax man. It's not the end of the world for us.
Zil: Yeah man, it still depressing nonetheless.
Hamsa: Yeah. Sink or swim.
Zil: Heh.
Hamsa: I swear to God some of your bad luck rubbed on to me when you were pissed and called me out for a pool game.
Zil: WTF? Now it's my fault I have bad luck?


Zil: ...and that's how I ended up repeating this subject, even though I know it by heart.
Hud: Oh giler ar. Memang kesian ar ko nie.
Dave: Aku lepak ngan budak nie, makin lama aku dengar cerita dia, makin sedih aku rasa.
Lynn: Boleh tulis novel. Penuh dengan drama.

Thanks Lynn, but even though I really am working on a Novel, I'd rather not it be about my life.
I already have one for that right here.

But you know, despite having too many unlucky incidents, and how much it hurts, the things that I want to record here right now are the silent blessings that you get when times are hard. For me, there are these:

My Friends are there and they listen.
My Parents are there and they help.
My Faith, though weakened, was not shattered.
My will, though faltering, was not depleted.
I though without a PC, can still create works of art.
I am, but still, alive.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Reality isn't fair. But life is still what you make out of it. To all the Gentlemen and Ladies facing uncertainty and depression, I wish you all... Good luck.

Quote of Day:

Dave: Zil, wake up. Exam in an hour.

*5 minutes later Zil is still asleep*

Dave: Eh, you want a Dick in your face ar?
Zil: Okay I'm up.

Trip 2009 - Ship Manifesto

Huhu... So glad I booked everyone early. In that case, here is a list of ship charter of the people who I have told and haven't told about. If you guys have free time, please ask around if they want to tag along. When the time is right, I will call each of you guys by phone for the final confirmation, so also it would also help if you would kindly help me get the phone numbers for those who are out of my contact reach.


Ship Manifesto! v.1.00

1. Zil (Captain)
2. Dalia (First Mate)(Not yet confirmed, probably having a wedding)
3. Epul (Cabin Boy)(Confirmed)
4. Reez (+1?)(Ship Navigator) (Belum konfem)
5. Aimran (+1?) (Below) (Confirmed only on date)
6. Addy (+1?) (On top) (Have not confirmed)
7. Saifuddin (+1?) (Unconfirmed, out of contact)
8. Acid (Macam confirmed)
9. Adzroul (Quartermaster) (Have not confirmed)
10. Zahlullail (Walk the plank)(Unconfirmed. Adzroul please notify for me.)
11. Mitchy (Unconfirmed, haven't contact)
12. Zatul (Unconfirmed, haven't contact)
13. Azeemah (Tarik tali) (Unconfirmed, no contact)
14. Ena (Sarang Gagak)(Confirmed)
15. Kak Nisa (+1) (Not yet confirmed)
16. Sya (+Bob?) (Not confirmed, no contact)
17. Fatin (+1?)( Confirmed)
18. Sarah (+1) (Confirmed few months ago. beriya-iya confirm.)
19. Dila (Unconfirmed, haven't contact)
20. Farah (Unconfirmed, haven't contact)
21. Shima (Unconfirmed, haven't contact)
22. Nieteni (Confirmed)
23. Zhaf (MIA)
24. Kimie Raikonan(+1) (Magician)(Unconfirmed, no contact)
25. Amir Jani (+1)(Unconfirmed, haven't contact)
26. Natalia (Unconfirmed, not replying messages on facebook.)
27. Kak Lung (Admiral General) (Very Confirmed)

Yeah I know this is a small number of people who are tagging along, and most of it is just a wish list of the people I want to tag along, but hopefully we have enough people to make this a party and enough to lower the cost. This list is not the final list so it may cut down or increase, depending on who's available and the cooperation of everyone.

Meantime I want to ask if anyone is willing to volunteer to become an exco to be assigned to contact a number of people on the list and confirm back with me, as well as perhaps payment matters. IF you are willing, contact me and select the people you are able to confirm (first come first serve)
As usual if they haven't heard anything, please refer to my blog for any enquiries (http://evilzil.blogspot.com) and search for TRIP 2009.

The +1 is if your significant other is tagging along in this trip, and +1? means I'm not too sure if your partner wants to tag along and has not confirmed with me. So please be a loving spouse and confirm them for me, and I will gladly see if I can get a room for the both of you. (Tunjuk sijil kahwin dulu)

Lastly, I wanna apologize for not being able to be available for the previous meeting. You know, I'm too busy daydreaming!

Anyway hope to hear from you all soon. Until then.

Captain Zil

Trip 2009 - Budget and Time

Sorry for the lack of update but I guess I have been busy on my end. But anyway, regarding the trip, I was recommended Ping Anchorage Travel & Tours ( http://www.pinganchorage.com.my/ ) for our package trip. It's agak mahal, specially since the trip time is during peak season.
But I haven't negotiated with them how many people we are bringing.
Looking at the price range, I expect it to be around RM300 to RM400.

For now, I wanna talk about time. For the first two weeks of next semester I'll be busy (project title selection) so it can only happen within the weekend of 17th to 19th July or 26 to 28th July. Alternatively, we can go on the 31stJuly to 2nd August.
Can happen on the weekday as long as it's two weeks after the 6th.

Also, if for some magical reason, everybody happens to be busy on all the three weekends, which really shouldn't be, the closest date for another trip is eight weeks after the 6th of July (I malas nak calculate)


Meantime, for some reason, I can't send this message to more than 25 recipients on Facebook so I'm copy-pasta it to the email thing, and hope that it reaches those relevant. So, Have a look at the dates, discuss, then me & the appointed Trip Crew will get back to you as soon as possible.

In short:

1) I want to know which of the last 2 weekends in July do you want me to book
2) To tell you the price trip will most likely to cost around RM300~RM400 so prepare just in case.

Oh by the way, sorry if I haven't been reading my email but don't really have an internet at work. If you are kind enough, please spread the word to around.



Serving the ship,
Captain Zil

Ape Cuaca?

The end of the semester comes again with a lot of fond memories and good stories to tell for the long lasting book of me. Like every semester, comes the time of the 'post-apocalyptic', where the world is calm after the storm.

So I thought for now I'd share a little incident that happened recently.

Like all the days for a normal denizen of Malaysia, the weather is either the extremes of Hot and Cold. So, as a word of advice, be sure to let a little ventilation inside your car or the following may not occur.

















For your info, it's rather disturbing to drive around hearing pieces of glass dropping behind you.

And by the way, if you can't reach my handphone, it was most likely stolen together with the rest of my stuff.

Sigh.

Painting Demons and Angels

Just days before finals, ultimately suspended here to be busy with many projects due and a internship to consider as well as cramming for finals, I logged on to mIRC Uniten network to see if anyone within the campus is able to help me with a little problem on a assignment due this semester.

Zihilism: ade org tau camne nak buka .pdf file utk copy paste?
|zerox|: |zerox|
meQ: Adobe Photoshop
Zihilism: ye ker?
|zerox| yer
|zerox| gune jer photoshop
Zihilism: ok thx thx

~5000 minutes later~

Needless to say my creative drive to see my characters in colour prevented me from completing my assignment.

Also, I managed to access the porn hub in Uniten.

...with a lot of tudung girl porn. ick.

Memorable Kick

Three of my dearest friends went to Auzzie this two weeks. One was John. The other was Durra and Mael. Both had very deep impact on my lives.

I think it goes without saying how your less than average buddy makes a big impact on your life. Sometimes he's slow, and a bit heavy on one side. But all in all, you can always count on a loyal friend of yours to always be there when you need him. For those of you who don't know who John is, all I can say he can be a little bit queer, but absolutely dependable. But if I were to say many things about John, it would probably fit in a Novel. So sorry buddy, you deserve more credit from me than just a mention in a blog and I'll get to that sometime later. For now, thanks for being my No. 1 Fan.

And then there was Durra. Now some of you may have already heard this story, but since I never recorded it, I suppose this is the time I should do it.

Few years back, I got to know a friend who was a friend of a friend, who was aware of my talents and called me the weirdest person she had ever met. I took it as a compliment and enjoyed her company. Some time later, I was key witness to her crying, cause her heart had been stolen by someone who was with someone else. And I remember that day clear as crystal. She said aloud why he had to always toy with her heart and why couldn't he be more honest. (Plus the girl that he was with at that time was a real bitch.) I wasn't a real professional when it comes to this sort of things, but I knew I had to do something.

Durra was sitting by the side of the railing crying her eyes out when she heard a large shattering bang. She turned around to find me running for cover. A ceramic wall tile had been shattered to peices next, and I was the culprit.

Durra: What did you just do?
Zil: Actually, I wanted to just kick the wall out of frustration. I couldn't do anything to help.
Durra: I'm pretty sure the whole library knows by now.
Zil: Yeah so we gotta fix this.
Durra: Thanks.
Zil: What?
Durra: Thanks for doing that. It really cheered me up.

Then I realized, that it was the most memorable thing I had ever done to a person till this day.

Few years have passed and Durra and Mael eventually got married. And it had always been one of my most proudest achievements that one stupid kick ended up affecting the lives of two. The two of them were on their way to part to Australia and I said my farewell in the dark. Then I realized Durra had always been a fan of the Dragon I drew way back and I decided to turn my car back and bring out my sketchbook. Then, right in front of her, I reminded her why I was one of the weirdest person she had ever met.

For the first time in her life she saw me drawing. I managed to give her the parting Dragon she had requested 5 years ago for her birthday. Holding it up high in the air she finally collected a debt I owe for all those years. (She gave me the dreamcatcher that hangs in my Kelisa.)

I guess what I had given was really nothing much, cause she taught me that even without a significant other, I was still able to be significant to other people's lives. I told them that because of them, they too were significant to me. And that if people ask me about my life in Uniten, I would say they played a really huge role in it.

It's nothing big concerning that they might come back within a year, but I think that it's a sweet gentle reminder for me that some things do change, for the better or worse, and that my life isn't a constant reality with no change. At least, for the people around me.

But you know what?

I've changed.

Even though the world I live in hasn't, I know for a fact that I have.

Quote of the day:
Don't go with the flow. Fight for a change.

Do you wanna know everything I have had in my head before I ever write it down?

No Zil. Keep it to yourself.

Why? Did you look forward to reading it?

We both know that's not gonna happen.

You're not interested?

I am actually. I do want to know how it all ends. But you never knew why I stopped writing?

No?

When you started telling me your stories, I felt that I could never be as original as you. So I wanted to help you write it instead. So let's get back to writing.






My Life isn't Over~~

TRIP 2009!!!!

Okay.... So many of you have been asking about what I intend to plan for a trip, and so I finally decided to do something about it. If we all wanna do a trip this year, I was planning on making the usual trip, preferably an Island somewhere East or West coast.

Simple get together of all the seniors and juniors, fun time and meeting new people. You are encouraged to bring friends, because bringing them helps reduce the cost of the trip. Also, I have confirmed with Kak Long that she will also be coming for this trip.

I have a very good contact within a travel agency, and for me to plan this thing requires a few thing specified from all of you. For starters
theres;

1) Location
I was planning on Perhentian or some other Island or as Adzroul suggested, all 3. So I most likely want feedback. We've got a wide variety of choices, so I'll most likely take a majority of votes here.
No, we're not going anywhere outside of Malaysia. I don't want anyone to go through the trouble of immigration problems or I might end up getting deported back to Indon for no apparent reason (those who followed me to Tioman would know.) For the moment, the initial idea is PERHENTIAN but it is SUBJECT TO CHANGE depending on the response. The location is largely affected by the

2) Budget
Most importantly, I know a lot of you are already working, but the ones that aren't working have their constraints, so I would like feedback from you guys too. The budget would most likely determine the activities we will do for the trip, (i.e. There's a budget plan where we rent no hotel rooms and bring our own tents, which cuts of cost about RM100)
For now I am aiming for a budget of RM280 WITHOUT spenditure, so be prepared for any changes.

3) Time
Father of all events, and the main reason why I haven't planned a trip until now, is hoping that all of you working to meet day ends meet would clarify if they are free on JULY to AUGUST 2009. I believe it's a good date to set for this trip as you have AMPLE TIME to plan for it and I will try to make it on a date where there is no school holidays. Please don't abuse this FREE TIME.

Getting back to me as soon as possible helps me plan this thing for better success, so if anyone needs to contact me, I've had the same number for as long as I've had a line (+6012-2052016) The faster I get feedback, the smoother the operations can undergo. (God dammit, some of you people are working already. Dedication. DEDIKASI!!)

For the people who do not have Facebook and are out of my usual means of communication (Saifuddin, Dalia, Kak Nisa to name a few) , I have posted this thing on my blog (http://evilzil.blogger.com) so I will leave it to your duty to inform them go and visit the site and respond with the little comment button at the bottom of the post. Rest assured I will check these messages from time to time and all your feedbacks will be zealously entertained and the conclusion will be carried forth.

SO, as a Conclusion, if you want to plan a trip, please tell me the LOCATION, BUDGET and TIME and I will get of my arse and see to it that we can come to some agreement.

Until then, Wasalammualaikum, Peace Out, Oyasuminasai and the likes of it.

Your Captain,
Heizil Hazhan


P.S. Mintak maaf untuk mereka yang tertido kerana bingung baca, tetapi saya terpaksa kerana kalo saya tidak speaking, korang pasti lagi bengang dengan Saya.