Kopi Kapal Api

Eventually, I'd think that this corner of the Universe will eventually die out on it's own. But as much as I would like to kill it off and forget certain things, I cannot let ignorance become the better of me.

Much is to be learned of the past to create way for the future. And it has been some time since I reflected upon the past to look forward to the future.

Recently, I've been told that I'm a complete stranger, even after knowing a single person for almost a year.

But... Am I? Do I really have nothing to be proud about after all these years? Having accomplish a goal at an early age.

I felt like writing earlier, but now I just want to mention...

No matter how good you think you are, there are always 1000 people better, and 1000 people worse.

Miniscule

There has been this thing that has finally hit a slab to my head. Try to put yourself in my position for a moment. I enjoy writing fiction, making up stories and universe to a point I continuously try to pen down several images that come inside my head and try to tell it to my friends. Of course at first, people do listen and realize that there is so much potential behind my creativity. Then I continue to write, improve my skills, draw more, but the crowd that you first show it to begins to loose interest. So you keep it to yourself. Then one day you realize, all the while that you had enjoyed writing at 100 over page draft of what seemed to be intricate details of how you have defined life as it is through the eyes of fiction, someone else had the same idea and is making multi-million dollars from the same idea.

Eventually, I wonder, what if all I had written was simply just a waste of time?

In my self-defense or self-denial, I'd like to think it as a way that prevents me from going insane. But there's only so much a limit you can do when your creativity eventually dies out, and that your left with a blank piece of paper that just mirrors what you are: Blank.

It's been a long time since I tried something new, and also, it's been a long time since I tried something old as well. So here I am blogging as much as possible. And so, good or bad, I have decided that I am going to write, regardless of the outcome.

For those of you who actually have been following this little corner of the universe of mine,

Yes, I'm finally working.

No, Don't really enjoy my job.

No, I don't feel any richer.

Yes, I do miss my life in Uniten.

Yes, I no longer have breathing space.

Once upon a time I was known as a hermit, who enjoyed my own time and my own space in a little dimentia of my own. Now I'm surrounded by people, and I'm still in a little dimentia of my own.

And now for my favourite part, everyday life dramas in the form of dialouges.

Zil: Me and John had this little conversation about who suffers the most in the group.

Zil: John voted for Hamsa.

Jin: He still is if you ask me. Probably right now with his current GF.

Zil: I beg to differ actually.

Jin: Why? He's getting better?

Zil: Ahh... I hope so but no. I actually voted for you.

Jin: ...you farking serious?

Zil: Well, I measure in terms of financially, Hamsa does suffer, but in terms of psychologically, I think you suffer the worst.

Jin: We all suffer la

Jin: I'm pretty sure you know the meaning of Agony, Zil.

And that is when I recalled this interesting quote;

"Everyone of us have changed. Yap has changed, Hamsa has changed, Epul only changed his vices. In your case, I'd say, you've become.... dark. Not in an evil sense, but dark in a sense that you see how reality works and that you have come to terms with the cruelty of it."

--Jin 2010.

If I was a daydreamer then, I must have woken up to a Nightmare.

But it's funny that we all do, and the best way to overcome something miserable is to laugh at it.

In the end, cruelty and selfishness wins, and fiction is a work of false promises.

I'm going to admit that many points of my life I've been excited to receive attention from people. But I'm going admit that sometimes, when people try to get your attention for something you are not remotely interested in, it can be hard to feign interest without hurting another person's feelings.

On a brighter side note, I miss the life of 6am in the morning. ^^

Winds of Change

Wow. That was a terrific day.

1. Hari Raya fell on my Birthday.
2. Travelled from home all the way to Beranang, passing by Semenyih.
3. Went to see Great Grandmother who was going to meet her great great grandchild. Turns out the term in BM in Piyot.
4. I saw three grandmothers from the same line eat on the same table.
5. Chatted up with Cousins, catch up on past time.
6. Cousins throw me and my brother a surprise birthday cake.
7. It was a delicious cake. Chocolate Mousse!
8. I got home, went out for a drink, and Zain got me a Chaos Defiler for my Birthday!
9. That night, I went clubbing.
10. I WENT CLUBBING.
11. The chick who was taking care of the door ask me for my IC. So yes, seems that I still don't have the capabilities to AGE. (Which is awesome since I'm turning 26.)
12. There was another cake!
13. It was the first time I saw one of my friends drunk.
14. It was the first time I saw one of my friends dance.
15. I have Blackmail material, and it's going to be an interesting Yamchar session later today.

I'm gonna be laughing about this for days to come. And to me, that's memorable. Thanks everyone, for the good times, then, now and forever.

Thar Be Whales

...and yet, surprisingly, there is hope for me.

Near the Whyrls End

It seems as though that the best time I've ever had the mood to write a blog post is when I'm absolutely moody about myself. But you know, despite the fact knowing that I will never read the post again, I find it comforting that I do vent my frustrations somewhere. So here's a list of things that has been upsetting me for the past few days.

No money, No car, No job, Not confirmed with my graduation, sick parents, sick self, surrounded by moody friends, and worst of all, I am STARVING TO DEATH.

You get that feeling that no matter what you eat, you can never really be filled? How about this; No matter what you have been eating lately, you can never be filled and all the things that can possibly fill you won't matter because you don't have money to buy it in the first place.

Well, if you haven't gotten that before then believe me when I say that it's actually a really bad feeling. It's sorta like you're body has enough supply to keep it alive, but your mind is actually dying of starvation. The food I've eaten is terrible. It's food meant for sick people.

On another sidenote, I finally got chicken pox. The pain of the joints was excruciating. But I'm glad to say thanks to fruit juices I've been able to recover within 3 days.

Yet now I'm starving to death.

And there's that whole other thing about graduation, and a more difficult task I will have to face which I won't depart on the story to tell yet simply because it hurts too much just thinking about it.

Well... I think that just about covers my regular rant for the year. Oh wait, no there is still more to come actually. But I guess I don't have to worry anymore, knowing not many people visit this place any longer.

This is a dark cruel world we live in. Yes, nobody cares about your problems. Because in the first place, you don't really care about others.

Post Quickies

After a long long while, I'd been staring at my blog with a long heavy sigh, wondering if I ever will update it. So, once again, I'll make it quick before I lose my muse.

As the final days of university comes close by, I can't help but get lazier with every second. Hours and hours are just flushed away looking into the screen of the monitor randomly surfing and reinstating my place in the cyberspace universe, while neglecting my presence in actual reality. Alot of people wondered where have I disappeared to, including my parents, and I can't say much about it. Either I'm at the Jinperor's Palace constructing armies or simply locked away in the apartment, doing things that I've always enjoyed doing with my own personal space.

Should I blame myself for wanting solitude? On the weekends, I'm busy with the many lives of a gamer. On the weekdays, I'm busy with the life of a engineering student, and a struggling artist. I feel confident that what I'm doing right now in my art is like a parachute for incase I loose the thrill of life. But lately, I can sense the overwhelming sense of discontent with everyone elses lives from the working world. Fear of me getting it? Yes, I believe the time might actually come.

Hamsa: You're a creative person. You get bored with something very soon after you create it.

Can't say how true that sounds machaman. Tzeentch's ideals appeal to me because of the concept of everchanging, and never settling with something.

On a side note, I was approached by 2 lecturers wanting to borrow my voice for public speaking. There were many other things I wanted to do before I leave Uni, but I guess this is one of them.

Stircrazy Teasefickle

**WARNING: VERY DEPRESSING**
Please avoid if you want to keep your spirits up. I'm not exactly in the best of moods when I wrote this so I'd appreciate it if you just scoot and go back to Facebook. Nonetheless, this post has been placed here not just for the purpose of expressing my feelings, but also in dreams that maybe someday when I'm in a better place than I am now, I will look back at this and laugh. If you're not me, reading emo-posts are bad for your health, you have been warned.

I've been meaning to update my blog for some time, but, I guess I have no excuse. Lately, I've had lots of opportunities to suffer the mental illness of Stir Crazy (Where you've been locked up home the whole day) without a chance to pen down any of my ideas.

But now, here I am. And so what has happened? A semester whizzed by me before I could even notice and already I'm at the impending gates of another final exam. There has been a lot of Warhammer talk, where Pul Jin and Hamsa are building their own armies. It is what happens when streamyx start to suck. MMORPG players start going old school. So in a nutshell, the past few months have been spent with a reverse development and back to hobbies. And as the days goes on and on, I still look at all the times I spent writing and drawing and wonder where and what will I ever end up with. Is all this time investment I spent will ever bear fruit or is it just a meaningless passion?

If I were to claim I had the patience of a saint, it would be blasphemy of the highest ordeal.
Sometimes I can claim that I have a patience of a saint. But even now I find that like my declining health, it has been weared out thin. (And even then, I'm not getting any thinner.) My health has been rapidly declining and my mind has been too long without a purpose. I find that every time I pen an idea, I draw a good picture, I create something out of nothing, I lack the audience or appreciation and find myself pathetically hungering for more attention. Alas, despite my desperate cravings for someone to appreciate my works of art, I feel as though I am a vampire denying his true nature for the wicked, yet nothing so awe and glamorous. To be more specific, I feel like a ghoul who feeds rotting carcasses, wishing he was a vampire. Nothing very saintly about it.

A close friend of mine once said, "You know you're not moving on when you're comfortable with where you are." If you're comfortable with the way you are, but you are unable to move from your position, and when you thought that you have come to terms with it, but something at the back of your mind tells you that you have not, the seduction of a scalpel burying itself into your wrist becomes ultimately alluring.

You know that Zil is having a crush on someone he cannot get if he starts being emo on his blog. I wonder what is it with me to develop an overtly obsessive infatuation with a person, any pretty looking person, a girl of course, when I start noticing them in my eyesights. You know what? I'll just admit it. I'm a fool when it comes to love, and it doesn't require much to gain my attention. And despite the poetic description to that last sentences, other people can interpret it as being just as horny as the other guy.

Oh and look what I've done. Just another meaningless post for my meaningless self to whom I have no audience to. But it's actually rather painful to feel the need to talk, not having anyone to talk to, so as a desperate last case scenario, I'd list out a little bit of my feelings hoping in vain that tomorrow will become a better day.

In the end of the day, I am confused and I wonder why am I even bothering to write this. It's truly meaningless and serves no purpose, but I feel that I will explode if I don't do anything about it. I appreciate you in taking time to read it up till this far. But the bad news is... If you've read up this far, chances are you could be as lonely as I am. (Or you could be completely dumbfounded and have nothing else to say to see a sudden change in my personality.)

Perhaps tomorrow when you see me, you will see me with a smile on my face, enjoying every moment of life like I should be. Misery loves company after all. And you have read this whole thing, I'm touched and you can count of me to share those tears.

Song of Today:-
Linkin Part - The New Divide (Go Figure Emo kid)
Donna Lewis - I love you always forever

Oh by the way, not too sure if you're interested but if you're reading this diligently then I suppose it wouldn't hurt for you to stop by http://zihilism.deviantart.com
For God's Sake, I wish I had more artsy friends!

So Ends M.O.N.D.A.Y.

Wow. There was about millions of things I wish I could have said at this post from time to time, but when the opportunity arrives for me to actually write, nothing comes to mind. It has always been a challenge for me to describe the things I go through, because what you read here isn't exactly everything in detail, but a short sweet summary of things (or in some cases over-dramaticized.)

Eleven weeks whistled past by this year without a chance to blog (except to inform all you would-be gentlemen and ladies following me on the Perhentian Trip) due to an intense exposure to the working life. In a stroke of mixture between good luck and bad, I ended up in a reputable company PHNEH and learned many things besides just working ethics and politics. Some said I work more like a real worker rather than an intern, which is a good thing for them because I don't ask much too much questions and is a bad thing for me because I don't get much answers. In a sort of devious plan to earn their approval, I ended up learning more than I bargained for and was tossed the responsibilities of a real Engineer, which resulted in my increase of puffing smoke disorder and the ability to make my teeth sweat.

There was a sense of fear. A gripping feeling that puts a leash around your neck and forces you to obey the very first instruction that comes to you. And there was some wicked sense of freedom, being free from the usual everyday problems that plagued me and having other problems to deal with that actually concerns myself. And yet, the sense of fear was twistedly satisfying, not only because there was a sense of completion, but it was a more productive sense of fear rather than anxiety.

And then there was that great feeling of comradeship. The ability to developed a bond when you share a certain pressure or cigarette, and the interesting people you meet on your walk of life. The stories you share, the trust you earn, and the sadness knowing that despite the common interest you have, you were only here temporarily.

"And when the rain goes away, So will I."

And if that sounded really morbid, I'd probably say something like

"Sometimes, the most cheerful people I've met, are the ones with the biggest problems." -- Zil commenting on a cheerful friend of his, who suffers from A.D.D.

So okay, despite a shocking feedback from Lail (who was the greatest roommate I never had) that mentioned my blog is very depressing, I don't have that much larger than life problems. But I do try my best to be a cheerful as possible.

However, I believed that even though there was no real way for me to describe this experience I've been through (although I will cook up something for presentation day), I'd say the most thrilling experience is that there was a will of change, not just internal of me, but my surrounding as well. What hasn't changed is that on this walk of life, I still walk alone. (Which is a good thing because developing an office relationship is a taboo and bad thing because one of the girls here is cute.) And what hasn't change is that no matter how mediocre and normal any procedure can be, I can still come out of it with a story to tell.

"You're not a writer Zil. You're a storyteller."

After being stuck inside a continuous loop for what seemed like ages, it's nice to see what I would describe as the gears of time moving again to allow the change of things. Other would say the silver lining in the cloud, and some would say the bitter taste of hope.

To any other interns who are at the brink of ending their payload; Fight on brothers and sisters, the war is not over yet.
To my working friends; Be nice to your interns. They just might save your HTC phone from being stolen or offer you a cigarette.
To those still keeping in touch with me through my blog; Thanks. :D

As for the Bangsar Boyz, they're pretty much the same. If there was anything regarding WoW, I'd say Jin was right. Turns out, it wasn't really that worth it. But... I suppose I had to pay a debt of gratitude for the one who let me get sucked in in the first place.

Quote of the Day:

"There's only so much work you can do when you're tired.
After 3 of clock, we're tired."

More Bad Jujus

Jin: You're wearing Batik again?
Zil: I like Batik.
Jin: ...Sometimes I wanna say something but, nevermind.
Hamsa: Zil does look good in Batik.
Najiah: WHY ARE YOU WEARING BATIK TODAY?! I wanna get to the bottom of this.

Gabey: The first time I met Zil, he was wearing batik. I remember that particular day cause I remembered it was a very sad day. He got stood up on a date or something.

Yeah, come to think of it, there had been many sad moments in my life left unrecorded here for the purpose of me not wanting to remember them. But as time goes by, I start to realize that somethings you just have to remember, whether good or bad, because by the end of the day, it'll be what makes you you. And no, this post is not about Batik.

Yap: Oh yeah, I still owe Gabey dinner.
Gabey: Yeah and I still owe Zil dinner.
Zil: Don't worry, I'm not fussy about having the dinner anytime soon. But when the time comes, I will call for it.
Yap & Gabey: Such as?
Zil: Like for example, my parents are out of town, I have no food at home, my brothers are away, and I have no money and no fuel and no credit, then I'll most likely invoke this deal.
Yap: What the hell? I don't think you can ever reach such a sad sate.
Gabey: ...then again, knowing you, you might actually fall into that state and it would be wise to keep a backup such as this one.

No, I haven't invoke the deal yet, thank God. But if things goes well with Zain, then I might be likely to have 2 backups for a starvation day.

Anyway, besides than always feeding less on a regular basis, I believe the word of the day is the simple 'bad luck', if any of you believe in it. Given the choice, what would you choose? Fate Or Luck? Certainty or Risks? Though my religion believes that not in Predestination (a lighter and more justifiable version of Fate, and I don't want to go into Religious or philosophical debates about it.) I do have to a certain extent believe in karma and a bit of luck.

As a bit of example, I'd like to say that luck is definitely like a lady. She's like a girlfriend who goes into a bitch fit whenever you decide to immense yourself by playing World of Warcraft™ and spend less times on dates with life. Recently, when I finally got my gnome claws on WoW:Woltk, my computer was struck by lightning, damaging my modem, my power supply as well as my lan card. And mind you, this was the second time the very same incident happen. It also got my brother's PC. And Hamsa's too for some reason. And as usual, struggling with the withdrawal symptoms when you have wow paid for and not being able to play it hurts like a bitch.

Hamsa: Relax man. It's not the end of the world for us.
Zil: Yeah man, it still depressing nonetheless.
Hamsa: Yeah. Sink or swim.
Zil: Heh.
Hamsa: I swear to God some of your bad luck rubbed on to me when you were pissed and called me out for a pool game.
Zil: WTF? Now it's my fault I have bad luck?


Zil: ...and that's how I ended up repeating this subject, even though I know it by heart.
Hud: Oh giler ar. Memang kesian ar ko nie.
Dave: Aku lepak ngan budak nie, makin lama aku dengar cerita dia, makin sedih aku rasa.
Lynn: Boleh tulis novel. Penuh dengan drama.

Thanks Lynn, but even though I really am working on a Novel, I'd rather not it be about my life.
I already have one for that right here.

But you know, despite having too many unlucky incidents, and how much it hurts, the things that I want to record here right now are the silent blessings that you get when times are hard. For me, there are these:

My Friends are there and they listen.
My Parents are there and they help.
My Faith, though weakened, was not shattered.
My will, though faltering, was not depleted.
I though without a PC, can still create works of art.
I am, but still, alive.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Reality isn't fair. But life is still what you make out of it. To all the Gentlemen and Ladies facing uncertainty and depression, I wish you all... Good luck.

Quote of Day:

Dave: Zil, wake up. Exam in an hour.

*5 minutes later Zil is still asleep*

Dave: Eh, you want a Dick in your face ar?
Zil: Okay I'm up.

Trip 2009 - Ship Manifesto

Huhu... So glad I booked everyone early. In that case, here is a list of ship charter of the people who I have told and haven't told about. If you guys have free time, please ask around if they want to tag along. When the time is right, I will call each of you guys by phone for the final confirmation, so also it would also help if you would kindly help me get the phone numbers for those who are out of my contact reach.


Ship Manifesto! v.1.00

1. Zil (Captain)
2. Dalia (First Mate)(Not yet confirmed, probably having a wedding)
3. Epul (Cabin Boy)(Confirmed)
4. Reez (+1?)(Ship Navigator) (Belum konfem)
5. Aimran (+1?) (Below) (Confirmed only on date)
6. Addy (+1?) (On top) (Have not confirmed)
7. Saifuddin (+1?) (Unconfirmed, out of contact)
8. Acid (Macam confirmed)
9. Adzroul (Quartermaster) (Have not confirmed)
10. Zahlullail (Walk the plank)(Unconfirmed. Adzroul please notify for me.)
11. Mitchy (Unconfirmed, haven't contact)
12. Zatul (Unconfirmed, haven't contact)
13. Azeemah (Tarik tali) (Unconfirmed, no contact)
14. Ena (Sarang Gagak)(Confirmed)
15. Kak Nisa (+1) (Not yet confirmed)
16. Sya (+Bob?) (Not confirmed, no contact)
17. Fatin (+1?)( Confirmed)
18. Sarah (+1) (Confirmed few months ago. beriya-iya confirm.)
19. Dila (Unconfirmed, haven't contact)
20. Farah (Unconfirmed, haven't contact)
21. Shima (Unconfirmed, haven't contact)
22. Nieteni (Confirmed)
23. Zhaf (MIA)
24. Kimie Raikonan(+1) (Magician)(Unconfirmed, no contact)
25. Amir Jani (+1)(Unconfirmed, haven't contact)
26. Natalia (Unconfirmed, not replying messages on facebook.)
27. Kak Lung (Admiral General) (Very Confirmed)

Yeah I know this is a small number of people who are tagging along, and most of it is just a wish list of the people I want to tag along, but hopefully we have enough people to make this a party and enough to lower the cost. This list is not the final list so it may cut down or increase, depending on who's available and the cooperation of everyone.

Meantime I want to ask if anyone is willing to volunteer to become an exco to be assigned to contact a number of people on the list and confirm back with me, as well as perhaps payment matters. IF you are willing, contact me and select the people you are able to confirm (first come first serve)
As usual if they haven't heard anything, please refer to my blog for any enquiries (http://evilzil.blogspot.com) and search for TRIP 2009.

The +1 is if your significant other is tagging along in this trip, and +1? means I'm not too sure if your partner wants to tag along and has not confirmed with me. So please be a loving spouse and confirm them for me, and I will gladly see if I can get a room for the both of you. (Tunjuk sijil kahwin dulu)

Lastly, I wanna apologize for not being able to be available for the previous meeting. You know, I'm too busy daydreaming!

Anyway hope to hear from you all soon. Until then.

Captain Zil